Try Not to Vomit on Your Wedding Dress
by runwitskizzers
Summary: “By the way, Sasuke. After I do this, I’m going to get you back so hard you will have no idea what hit you.” Then she slammed back the drink. SasuSaku.
1. Chapter 1

Two years after Sasuke returned from the ever delightful, self-imposed mission of killing his older brother, he got drunk with his team.

Two years and six hours after Sasuke returned from the ever delightful, self-imposed mission of killing his older brother and gotten drunk with his team, he got married to Haruno Sakura.

Currently, the two of them are lying, appendages entwining, on Sakura's bed, in Sasuke's apartment. Don't ask. For now, let's rewind and let the newly wed couple continue sleeping for a while longer… they have _quite_ the day ahead of them.

::Sixteen Hours Earlier::

"Oi, Teme, we're going out tonight. Sakura-chan, too." Sasuke grimaced. Just his luck. All he wanted to do was go home and spend a nice evening alone with his thoughts… but no, he had to be on a team with two of the most social nin in the bloody village. However, he still owed them and he knew it.

"Fine." He shouldered his pack and continued on his way, if he were lucky he would have enough time to shower before heading out to the bar with Naruto and Sakura.

"I'm coming to get you in twenty minutes! I want to get there before Happy Hour's over!" Sasuke rolled his eyes and made a silent wish to the Gods asking that please, _please_ could they maybe, just this once, burn the bar down so he could stay home?

Of course, he was cursing those same Gods thirty minutes later when he and Naruto arrived at said bar and it was still bloody standing. Flashing their papers at the door, the two headed in and found a table where they could observe the rest of the bar.

"We'll take a 3 bottles of Sake please." Naruto ordered from a waitress who seemingly had appeared out of nowhere.

"Three? Aren't you pushing it, Dobe?" He cocked an eyebrow at his idiot friend,

"We can do a bottle a piece, are you kidding? Haven't you ever seen Sakura-chan drink?"

"Are you calling me a lush, Naruto?" There she was, Haruno Sakura.

"Woah, Sakura-chan!! You look beau-" He cut off in mid-compliment, staring at something behind her, and then, "HINATA-CHAN!!!" Sakura grinned and shook her head, sliding into the booth next to Sasuke.

"I can't believe he couldn't even finish the sentence… although I guess Hinata deserves the attention."

"Considering she spent all that time besotted with him in the academy, I'd say so." Sasuke surprised himself by contributing to the conversation. He must've inhaled some of the curious smoke they'd passed on the way to their table and now it was taking over his mind. Yes, that had to be the reason. Even more surprising was that Sakura didn't even blink at his contribution, but rather took it in stride and continued.

"I know! He's so blind sometimes!"

"Sakura…" while she had been talking, he'd finally noticed what Naruto had seen immediately. Sakura was dressed _nicely_. In a dress. She was wearing a _dress_. And make up. "What are you wearing?"

"Oh, this? I saw it in the store today and I figured, why not. Maybe I'll find my future husband." He had to stop himself from spitting out the sip he had just taken. Future husband?? They were only 22. It was far, far too soon for marriage. However,

"You're too little." Is how that came out when he vocalized the thought. And, predictably, Sakura turned to glare at him.

"I'm too _what_?" Well, he knew enough not to repeat the sentence, so what to do… what to do…

"Hn."

"I hate you sometimes, Sasuke-kun." Score. "I'm not too little to be thinking about it, which is all I'm doing really. Besides, we're not getting any younger, buddy." This time he did spit out his drink. He whipped his head around, ready to postulate on every reason _why_ they were too young, but she'd already gotten up and was sauntering… yes, _sauntering_… towards the bar. And some guy at said bar. Oh, hell no.

"Saku-"

"Oi, leave her alone, asshole. She's got to get it somewhere." Unfortunately, his blond haired bimbo idiot of a quote-unquote best friend chose this moment to interfere.

"Excuse me?"

"Listen, I… and Kakashi-Sensei, both wish that Sakura-chan was still twelve years old and that no one was touching her and that she would be content pining over you and playing with her dolls, or whatever. But… I figure if _I _need it, _she_ definitely needs it."

"If the 'it' you're referring to is what I think you're referring to… then you're a bigger idiot than I thought and I'm putting a stop to this right now." It had to be the alcohol that was making him so damned talkative.

"Go ahead and try it, bastard. I'd love to see how this goes." And with that slightly out-of-character snide remark, Naruto threw his arm around Hinata and sat back as if to enjoy something incredibly entertaining. Sasuke decided right then there he would do _whatever_ it took to make her stop. He was very well aware that he couldn't just walk over to her and demand it… as much as he wished that were the case. He wasn't stupid, he knew how stubborn she was, if he did that, she'd probably just end up with the guy at the bar out of spite. Bloody harpy.

However… if he played his cards right… she wouldn't talk to any other male for the rest of the night (barring Naruto) and he could rest easy with the fact that she was still as pure and safe as ever. This being rationalized, he turned back to his table, grabbed two of the bottles of sake and headed towards his former teammate.

"Suji-kun, you are _too_ funny!" Unfortunately, the closer he got, the better he could hear how she was … 'talking' with that Suji guy. This was not okay … he'd heard her laugh, that _giggle_, that fake, falsetto _giggle_ was not her laugh. "Suji-kun, I would love-" This was probably the opportune time for interfering.

"Sakura." She spun around in surprise, as if never in a million years would she have expected Uchiha Sasuke of _all_ people to talk to her at a bar… even if they had been speaking minutes before. She tilted her head sideways and he really couldn't help but notice the pink strands fall against her shoulder in a way that was almost (but not quite, of course) pleasing.

"… Sasuke-kun…?" He held up the two bottles in front of her face and put on the most irritatingly confident smirk he had in his arsenal,

"I bet you can't finish this bottle of sake before I can."

"Excuse me?" In response, he placed one of the bottles in front of her. All thoughts of her precious _Suji-kun_ were completely out of the door as the thrill of competition swept across her face in an array of expressions. Disbelief, acceptance, and then, pure and utter knowledge that she _had_ to beat him. He could see it. "Rationally, I know this is a bad idea. But I also know that I can beat you. Let's do this. On your mark, get set… go!" That being said, she gripped the neck of the bottle, tilted her head back, and kissed the mouth, welcoming the drink with open lips.

* * *

A/N: So I'm an idiot. No really. I was convinced that for the past 4 months, ff-net alerts had _not_ been working. Turns out, gmail was just sending all alerts directly to my spam folder and I just realized this … two days ago?

… Did I mention that I'm an idiot? Because I'm an _idiot_.

So anyhow, I've been sitting on this puppy for a while… the birth of this idea actually stemmed from a one-shot **Nazaliasan** asked me to do (which I will get to, I promise-promise!) and kind of somehow took on a life of its own. Of course, I've been so crazy busy with life (but no boys :( ) that I hadn't had a chance to finish the first chapter until a few days ago.

I know this chapter is short, but that's only because this is the introduction and subsequent chapters will be longer (mark my words…)

I'm also (kind of) working on the second chapter of Shrinks… which Misa (**HPBabe91**) will attest to considering she's read some of it.

Aye dios – I'd go on, but this a/ns gotten long enough (did I mention that I'm in _grad school_, getting my _masters_? Bahahaha) so **read and review** my darlings. I've missed you so!


	2. Chapter 2

"Oi, Sasu-chan, are you," Sakura paused, emphasizing her point by poking him in the nose, "done _yet_?" Sasuke could only think of one way to respond to this… unfortunately, he was still drinking, so he couldn't vocalize said response. So he went the symbolic route. "Aw, no need to be crude, Sasuke-kun." Was she cooing at him? It certainly sounded like she was cooing at him. Like he was a baby for not being able to drink faster than her.

… This plan may have backfired.

"Done." He slammed the bottle down with a not-so-satisfying _thunk_ (considering he'd lost) and glared at his wayward teammate.

"Jeez, took you long enough. Let's have another round! I'll bet I can beat you in half the time, Sasu-"

"If that ends with 'chan', I'm leaving." He crossed his arms in what was definitely not a petulant manner. "And you're on."

"I was going to say 'Sasuke-kun', Sasu-chan." Why was he doing this again? Oh right, to stop 'Suji-kun' from taking advantage of Sakura. Why he cared about doing so, he wasn't going to analyze right at this moment. "Two more bottles, please!" She giggled, and threw her arm around Sasuke's shoulders. "I'm glad we're doing this Sasuke-kun, we never get to have fun anymore!" She paused and looked at him in what he imagined was supposed to be a very knowing manner. "Even though I _know_ you're doing this just to prove that you can beat me. I don't mind, though. I'm still having a blaaaaaaast!" She drew this last syllable out as she grabbed the two bottles that the barkeep had placed in front of them. "One for you," she handed Sasuke his, "And one for me. Say the magic words, Sasuke-_kun_."

"Go."

…

Thirty minutes and two rounds later, the two of them were rosy-cheeked and a bit worse for wear.

"Sak'ra," Since when had it gotten so tough to speak? And when had Sakura's eyes gotten greener? "Let's do something else,"

"But Saaaaaasu-_chaaaan_, we're _tied_! I – hic – won't stand for it – hic – it can't…" she trailed off in the middle of her sentence having gotten distracted by the light playing off the glass bottles.

"Fine, som'thin else, then. I bet I can…" he looked around trying to figure out what he could do better than her (everything, really) right then.

"I bet I can make Naruto and Hina-chan kiss in front of everybody before you can!" She grinned that maniacal grin of hers that so got his goat and took off before he could answer. He still managed to yell out behind her,

"Not that!"

He followed her hurried steps through the crowd and caught up just as she pulled the Hyuuga girl away. Mistake number one, no way was that girl assertive enough to be the one to go all in. That meant,

"Dobe. C'mere." Naruto glanced his way before doing a double take,

"Are you drunk, Sasuke?"

"N – _hic_ – no." Perfect. He was never going to live this down… but it was a small price to pay. He had to prove that he was … well… better at stuff than that pink haired minx. "You need to kiss that girl."

"EH????!!??!! What girl???!!"

"Hyuuga. The one you're with, Hinata."

"Why?!"

"Because she likes you and she'd like it and you're – _hic_ – an idiot." These hiccups _had_ to stop; they were throwing off his game. Not that he was spitting game at the idiot, of course.

"Sasuke, you're drunk and insane. I can't just go _kiss_ Hinata-chan in _public_! Her dad would find out and _kill_ me! Do you want me to _die_?!" Sasuke had to bite his tongue not to answer that question.

"Look, if you do it, I'll buy you ramen for a month."

"… Why are you so keen on getting me to kiss Hinata-chan? … And where did Sakura-chan drag her off to?" Naruto was narrowing his eyes at him, now. Next thing, he'd be crouched on the table scrutinizing Sasuke's face with no more than two inches between them. And seeing as how last time that'd happened was when they were 12 and how that ended… Sasuke was not too keen on repeating the experience.

"If you come near me, _I'll_ kill you, and Hyuuga's father won't have the pleasure." Naruto leaned back into his chair and smirked (… who knew he could smirk?)

"I see you didn't answer either one of my questions. …It seems as though you have a personal stake in this, teme. I don't know what it is, but I know if you're going this far, it's important."

"… You've been hanging out with lazy-ass too much."

"Either way, it's going to cost you more than a month of free ramen to get me to do this."

"Fine. Two months."

"Two months _and_ we get to spar when_ever_ I want, _and_ you have to tell Baa-chan that I'm the better ninja _and_ –"

"Can't you use 'and' at the end like ev'ry one else, idi't?" Naruto ignored him and continued as if he hadn't even spoken. When the hell had he gotten this much a) self control and b) apparent intelligence?

"_And_ I get to decide what missions we go on for the next three months."

"… Ugh." Then he looked at the crowd and saw Hinata nodding, dare he say it, energetically at Sakura and now they were, well fuck, walking purposefully back to them. "Okay, okay, fine. Just do it."

"YES!" Naruto jumped out of his seat and ran towards Hinata, "HINATA-CHAN!!!" He found her within minutes, had grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. She squeaked. Sasuke internally groaned. This was ridiculous. Who _squeaked_? Then Naruto cupped her cheeks and yes, yes they were kissing.

"Sak'ra." He noted she was next to him now, "I win." Her eyes narrowed,

"Not for long you don't. I'll win this freakin' war if it's the last thing I do. Eat it, Sasu-chan." He wanted to retort, he did. He had a fucking zinger, too. Unfortunately, the room was kind of spinning, so he needed to concentrate on … well… you know, standing. He exhaled through his mouth and inhaled deeply through his nose in an effort to not fall all over the girl to his right. "Le's change it up, Sasuke-kun. You won that one, I'll give you that much. So, le's do something new."

He didn't much like the sound of that.

"… Hn?"

"Like, I _dare_ you to …" She looked around, searching for something to use against him, he was sure. "A ha!" … Who did she think she was? Sherlock Holmes? He was thoroughly beginning to regret ever getting into this mess… even if he was starting to notice how good she looked in that dre- "I dare you to get _that_ guy," She pointed to someone at the bar, "to buy us a bottle of Soju." He smirked. "With_out_ scaring him. Or mentioning me. Or the dare. In fact…" she smiled (in that same maniacal fashion), "you have to do it by _hitting on him_." Needless to say, he wasn't grinning anymore.

"Sak'ra, this is ridic-_hic_-ulous." She raised one pink brow at him,

"Why, Sasu-chan, are you … _chicken_?" Oh, hell no. Nobody called Uchiha Sasuke a chicken and got away with it.

"I'll show you – _hic­_ – chicken." He mumbled as he started walking towards the boy she'd pointed out.

* * *

A/N: And so the dares begin! Okay, so I know its short, and I know its been forever and that I suck. I was totally going to write over break, but then I left my laptop in NY and had to bring my _work_ laptop to Atlanta, and I forgot to save what I'd already written, etcetcetc. Please don't hate me. I had to end it there because it just led into suuuuch a good opening for the next chapter. Fer serious (black).

However, I've toootes already started writing the next chap, because c'mon, it's going to be awesome. Sasuke's going to be all "hey bebé, how _you_ doin'?" (a la joey) and the guy's going to be like "OMGILUSOMUCHHHHH" or something.

Hehe. Seriously, I'm gonna try not to make you wait forevz.

Now as ever, give me inspiration! Review my darling girls.

Oh! And Happy New Year!

Sidenote: So I was totally at work the other day, and I had to write the date down, and I couldn't remember if it was going to be 2008 or 2009 and I had to check the computer for the actual date. I'm kind of an idiot. Being in NY makes my brain soooo tired.


	3. Chapter 3

She followed behind him as he sauntered over the man… no, boy… that Sakura had chosen. The kid was a little shorter than him, clearly effeminate with his ridiculous long (and weirdly silky) blond hair, tight clothes, and … nailpolish. … At least he was unique. He almost reminded him of someone he used to know… Strange. He shook his head to clear out the thoughts before walking over to stand next to the boy. He could feel Sakura take her place directly next to him, with her back turned towards him. Eavesdropping harpy.

Sasuke leaned forward on his elbows, and turned his head to attempt eye contact with his mission. He would not hiccup, he would not hiccup, he would not hiccup. Mind over matter, right?

"_hi-_Hey." The boy turned to look at him, quirking a finely shaped eyebrow in surprise.

"Hi – you look… familiar, do I know you?" Stupid missing-nin posters plastered all over the fucking city.

"I don't think so, but," He dropped his voice a pitch lower, "I wouldn't mind if you did." He was surprised that he was able to keep the hiccups at bay for now, as well as come off as mostly sober. He _was_ pretty impressive, wasn't he? "I'm…" Shit, shit, shit, name, name, name, "Kiba." Fuck. Of all the names… stupid Dog-boy. He heard a snort from behind him as if _someone_ was having trouble drinking their drink for _some_ reason. He flipped around, leaning his back on the bar, and elegantly elbowing said person in the process.

"Kiba-san, it's nice to meet you, I'm Tehru." The boy, Tehru, then, gave him a smile and his hand.

"The pleasure is _all_ mine, I assure you. And please, just Kiba." Sasuke moved again, angling his body towards Tehru and opening his eyes wider. This was going to be cake. Did Sakura think that he was some homophobic nut who didn't know how to use his body if the situation called for it? He could do it just as well as _any_ kunoichi, damn it.

"O-oh-alright."

He brought a hand forward and trailed fingers along the inside of Tehru's wrist. He could feel when the boy's pulse sped up.

"So Tehru, what brings you here? A –" he paused and looked around conspiratorially, "date?" Tehru looked back, aghast.

"Oh no, no, no, Kiba. Just an evening out, my friends all have to work in the morning, but I just needed to get out of the house, you know? Maybe even … meet someone."

"… I can understand that."

"What can I get you boys?" The bartender had finally arrived.

"Three bottles of Sake." Sasuke grinned, he completely had this in the bag.

"And I'll have – "

"One of those bottles is for you, Tehru. Don't worry about it." He smiled again, working his magic on the boy. "I wasn't kidding when I said it would be _my_ _pleasure_." Tehru blushed, and stammered his thanks.

"Here you go," the bartender placed the bottles in front of Sasuke, and in turn he reached back for his wallet.

"… Oh no!" He pretended to search frantically, "Where's my wallet?" He turned to Sakura, eyes wide and pleading, "Have you seen a wallet around here??" She, probably struck dumb in surprise by his expression (which was not one she'd ever seen before on his face), merely shook her head in response. He continued to look around and under the bar until he felt a tentative hand on his shoulder,

"Please, Kiba, allow me." Tehru smiled and handed the money to the bartender. "You can get me next time, yes?" Sasuke shot a small smile in his direction; it was the perfect mix of gratitude and sheepishness.

"I hope you don't think poorly of me, if we meet again, I will definitely be the one to buy the drinks. For now I've got to go drop this drink off with my friend."

"It was very nice to meet you, Kiba. I hope to see you around." Tehru brought a hand forward to shake Sasuke's,

"You as well, Tehru." And to put the icing on the cake, Sasuke ignored the outstretched hand, leaned forward and placed a quick peck on Tehru's cheek. "Thanks for the drinks!" And that was that. He turned around, very well aware that there were two completely stunned people at the bar watching him walk away. Ha! Let Sakura underestimate him now! … Of course, now he had to make it back to his table without stumbling.

Five minutes later, Sakura had caught up to him in the back of the bar and plopped down in the seat next to his.

"I can't believe that just happened."

"I will deny all of it if you tell anyone." She shook her head at him,

"No… you don't… it's just that… that was… that was _amazing_." He settled back against his chair, pushed a bottle towards her and opened his without much flourish.

"Don't take me lightly, Sa-ku-ra. Nin's aren't just fighters. They're spies, _too_." Her face scrunched at this,

"I _know_." She replied, grabbing her bottle and wrenching the top off most violently. He grinned, leaning forward and placing his hands beneath his chin,

"You also know, now, that it's _my_ turn." He hoped he sounded ominous. He wanted to, very badly.

"I know." This time the words were said with an air of resignation. His smirk turned devious. "… Okay, let's finish these drinks first. I don't like the look on your face…" She signaled one of the bar staff, "…Actually we better make it two bottles each."

…

"O-okay, Sasuke-kuuuuun. Whatever shall I do for you?" She batted her pretty eyes at him.

"Hm…" He'd had an idea twenty minutes earlier, and now he could not, for the life of him, remember what it was. "I… I dare you to," then it came to him in a flash, the perfect, perfect, own over Sakura for the rest of her life, kind of dare. She would never, ever agree.

"Well, Sasu-chan, you got anythin', or am I gonna have to find some'n more _satisfying_ than you?" She shot him a lazy smile, only bothering to quirk the left corner of her lips. They were awfully sparkly… her lips, that is. She must use that gloss stuff… he couldn't help but wonder if it tasted anything like its scent. Shit. That was not what he was supposed to be thinking about.

"I dare you –_hic_– dammit! Fucking hiccups. I dare you to moon fuzzy eyebrows." Her eyes opened wider than he'd ever seen them go before, and he was momentarily struck by just how much he wanted them to look like that at him all the time. Then she started talking.

"You… you want me to…" She fisted her hands and shook her head. Then she smiled one helluva toothy smile. "Okay. Okay, I can do this, Sasu-chan… but let's do some more shots first." He lifted an arm,

"Four sake bombs." He called out to the waitress who had been attending them.

"And two more bottles of soju, please." Sakura added on. After the waitress had brought them back their drinks and put them on the table, he motioned to the extra bottles.

"What are those for?" Sakura grinned in response.

"The road of course, we're going to have to find Lee, you know. Can't have ourselves drying out, now can we?" He shot her a please look,

"Good thinking." She shrugged her shoulders and lifted her shot glass. Just as she was about to bring it to her lips, she spoke,

"By the way, Sasuke. After I do this, I'm going to get you back so hard you will have no idea what hit you." Then she slammed back the drink. He could only stare as she put the cup daintily on the table and smiled at him jovially, "This is fun, ne Sasuke-kun?"

He had a very bad feeling about the rest of this night.

* * *

A/N: OMG SHE LIVES!

… Hello. So yes, chapter 3 (almost put 4, ha!) has arrived. I know I always promise to try and get the chapters out faster but uhm… I get… distracted. By, you know, stuff. … Like uhm… uhmmmmm… damn it. I suck at this.

So, yes, this chapter makes me laugh. Minus the fics where Sasuke _is_ gay, he's usually written as this bizarro uber-masculine homophobic nutcase… but I figure, ninjas have to learn espionage as well. And to do that, they have to be able to adopt any personality, right? So yes. He owned Sakura, it's true.

And Tehru is a boy after my own heart, seriously. So cute. I felt so bad having to make Sasuke pull the wool over his eyes. I'm thinking about bringing him back to have his revenge… indirectly, of course. I mean, he was just an innocent bystander right? Right.

So anyhow, here's chapter 3. We'll see when Chapter 4 gets here, I make no promises! I'm learning my lesson! … Just kidding, I'll try to have it out in 2 weeks? Maybe earlier if I get struck with sudden inspiration. Although, honestly, I think this Lee scene is going to be really fucking funny, for the record. I'm laughing just thinking about it.

Okay, okay, I'm done rambling. You kiddoes will have to tell me what you thought, as always, because your reviews really do affect how I write the story. I mean if there's something someone doesn't like and it makes sense, I totally make an effort to change the way the plot moves. Chuknowhowitgoez. Besides, I kind of… you know… feed on reviews. (That sounds so gross. Ew. NVM.)

REVIEWS ARE MY SUSTENANCE GRAAAAAAAAAR!

(g'bai :heart:)


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